My comfort zone: Home. That's it. No exceptions. Home.
I have started to notice my comfort zone getting smaller and smaller over the past year. I have never really been a social butterfly, and have always been very self conscious, but this last year, the shadow of anxiety has been growing. The Point of no return, I always fear, is around the next corner.
I can't pinpoint a cause for this growing anxiety, but yet it weighs me down.
Everyone gets a little anxious meeting new people, going new places,... just simply exploring new territory, but for me... it goes beyond that.
My husband loves to go see movies in the theatre, especially on cheap nights! And I love it too.... but lately, a last minute "Hey lets go see a movie!", puts butterflies in my stomach. I put off calling people
(even family) because I don't know what to say, or they might ask me something, and I might not know how to answer. I choose texting over calling, not for convienence, but only so I don't need to have a conversation; creating a possibility for me to put my foot in my mouth. The thought of speaking up in a group (and I mean three, or more people) makes me want to throw up. I have made some awesome friends over the past 2 years, and would love to hang out, go shopping, grab a cup of coffee with them, but when it comes to picking up the phone and following through, I snuff that idea right out.
Even to simply hang out with my best friend, whom I have known my entire life, and love to pieces; causes the butterflies to start fluttering.
WHY?!?
I don't know.
BUT!!!!!.....
Over this past year, God has been tugging on my heart strings, for a specific ministry. Hahaha, but first let me go back a few years.......
Capernwray Australia. The best 6 months of my life. Probably some of the hardest months too, but I remember them fondly. We spent a few hours in class every day, listening to speakers, taking notes, making presentations, and spending time in worship. The best week of my time in Australia was "Prac Week". We spent our time feeding and conversing with homeless people, singing for the elderly, and spending time with drug addicts. This was out of my comfort zone for sure! But this was not a problem for me.........
At orientation day for bible school, I found out, that over the 6 months I would have to lead several bible studies. HECK NO! Not this chick. God do you know me at ALL??? Needless to say, this activity was not an "option". I looked back over my binder the other day, and I believe I was required to do 5 bible studies in total. These were based on speakers we had, and we needed to use the resources in the library. The library was also the only place I could get an internet connection...... a welcomed distraction, but not a helpful one.
I failed my first three bible studies..... haha. When it comes to my work, things I will put my name on, invest time in.... I'm a bit of a perfectionist. This, however.... did not bother me. I barely passed my fourth study, and when presented with the topic of suffering for my fifth study, I received an A+. Although, I swore to myself and my family group leaders (who I had to present the bible studies too) I would NEVER use this skill again.
Oh to know the plans God had for me......
Two years ago, my husband and I joined a pastorate group through our church. I thought it would be a great way for both of us to meet people, and fellowship with other believers. To be challenged in our faith. God has blessed us immensly with such an amazing group of people. Both of us felt comfortable the first couple of times we went. My husband went from having my family, and a few relatives, to a great group of guys who he loves to call up and spend time with. I find joy in spending time with these people, and pray for them constantly.
Over this last year, our leaders have been openly inviting others in the group to help lead the studies, and take part in different aspects of the group. The first time.... God tugged.
I ignored.
The second time..... God tugged again...
I ignored again.....
I continued to ignore for the remainder of the year. Like I had said before.... I would NEVER lead another bible study again. ;)
And then, one day..... at the end of the bible study season...... I received a phone call at work. My friend Amber. I smile when I think about that day. She announced to me, that both Her and her husband, along with the other two leaders Colin and Colleen, would not be leading, or even attending the pastorate next year. ...... Oh it doesn't end there.....
And they had thought of Myself and Frank, along with Another wonderful couple from the group, to lead.
"Oh by the way child..... that thing you continued to ignore before..... you know I knocked for a year..... Oh right..... HERE YA GO!"
Of all the things God has called me to do.... this was not high on my list! I told Amber I would have to talk to Frank about it and get back to her. (Secretly I was kind of hoping he wouldn't been so keen about it). But I guess God had that one taken care of as well. My wonderful husband was beyond supportive.
No way out! (I thinks that a title to a movie too??)
So we said yes. Over this summer I have been trying to think of ideas, pray for wisdom, and to my surprise.... I have actually been pretty excited. Until september.....
The horror has struck..... the shadow of anxiety has enveloped me, and here I sit. I try to come up with excuses for why I can't take part, but the problem with the dang shadow is,..... there has to be a source of light in order for the shadow to exist.
So here I trust..... the light will shine on my face again. Not in my own power, can I conquer my fears and anxieties, but only with the power of the one true light. In my weakness, He is stronger.
So I surrender to you Lord. May you expand my comfort zone, crush my anxiety, and use me in the way you choose. You are my Light and my Salvation.
Wednesday, 12 September 2012
Monday, 16 July 2012
you give me joy that's unspeakable
This last weekend was such an awesome weekend. My husband, my dad, and myself, headed up to the cabin for a quick trip. Although it's a 6 hour drive, it's totally worth it once you get there. Looking out from the cabin, I thank God for blessing us with such an amazing place.
On the way up there, we listened to a CD my dad had bought that I'm so incredibly loving. The Newsboys Greatest hits!!! And boy is it a blast from the past. Some of my favorite memories of my brothers and I, are when listening to music like this.
We would blast it on saturdays when we had to clean, along with a little DC Talk, haha. We would listen to it on Friday nights when my brother brad, and I were allowed to sleep over in Jay, and Tony's room. Throw a couple mattresses on the floor and it was a party. haha. We would play dutch blitz until after our parents went to bed (cause we were cool like that), and it was awesome.
I remember playing hand hockey in my brothers bedroom. I watched more than I played, but it was great. The rug burns became second nature.
We played laser tag in the basement with the lights off, plus a little nerf gun never hurt anyone. I hated going down to the basement to get canned goods for my mom, when the lights were off. But with my brothers, ...monsters who??
I don't know if you ever listened to the suspenders, but they were great too!! Sometimes we would sleep over at my aunts house and on the way in we would sing along. I could probably put together a sound track for my life. Now when I hear these songs, I can't help but smile, do a little dance, and sing along.
Trips to the cabin consisted of a little Paul Overstreet, the Judds, etc. Oh to be a kid again. Most of the time I had no idea what the words were, we would laugh at each other, and over the years I got the words down. We would play with the creek for hours on end, sit by the fire and eat watermelon with... (I don't even know how to spell it). Only those mennonites would understand.
I think I have more of the old school music on my phone, than the new stuff, just because there are SOOOO many great memories associated with it. It's the stuff I choose to listen to when I run, or the music I play when I'm kind of having a crappy day.
When I listen to it, I remember times, standing in the kitchen, and my brothers wanted to see if they were taller than my mom. She would be wearing her long robe, and slowly creep up onto her tippy toes, just so that she would be taller for just a little longer. It made us all laugh, although we all knew my brothers had finally reached that point. I guess I have that to look forward to, considering my husband is over 6ft, and I'm a whopping 5'1". (The 1" is incredible important to state). My younger cousin has already started it with me. And sad to say, I still deny that he is basically the same height as me. haha.
It reminds me of days, when we used to play british bull dog in our back yard with the neighbor kids, or playing basket ball with the hoop we had in the back yard. Mind you, this also reminds me why my brother has a big chip in his front teeth, but still, great memories.
I played street hockey with my brothers once or twice, and to this day, I am very proud that I saved more shots than let in being goalie and all. That's right, hockey star right here! haha.
It makes me so happy!!!! Now, I probably just get looked at like I was crazy for liking music like this, but who cares! Everyone has music like that, at least I think so.
So if you ever get the chance, listen to a little "Reality", "Joy", "Spirit Thing", "Real Good thing", "Shine", "I'm Not Ashamed", "Take me to your leader", "Something Beatiful", and the list goes on forever. All these songs sung by the Newsboys, incase you're wondering. If you're like me at all, it will put a smile on your face.
On the way up there, we listened to a CD my dad had bought that I'm so incredibly loving. The Newsboys Greatest hits!!! And boy is it a blast from the past. Some of my favorite memories of my brothers and I, are when listening to music like this.
We would blast it on saturdays when we had to clean, along with a little DC Talk, haha. We would listen to it on Friday nights when my brother brad, and I were allowed to sleep over in Jay, and Tony's room. Throw a couple mattresses on the floor and it was a party. haha. We would play dutch blitz until after our parents went to bed (cause we were cool like that), and it was awesome.
I remember playing hand hockey in my brothers bedroom. I watched more than I played, but it was great. The rug burns became second nature.
We played laser tag in the basement with the lights off, plus a little nerf gun never hurt anyone. I hated going down to the basement to get canned goods for my mom, when the lights were off. But with my brothers, ...monsters who??
I don't know if you ever listened to the suspenders, but they were great too!! Sometimes we would sleep over at my aunts house and on the way in we would sing along. I could probably put together a sound track for my life. Now when I hear these songs, I can't help but smile, do a little dance, and sing along.
Trips to the cabin consisted of a little Paul Overstreet, the Judds, etc. Oh to be a kid again. Most of the time I had no idea what the words were, we would laugh at each other, and over the years I got the words down. We would play with the creek for hours on end, sit by the fire and eat watermelon with... (I don't even know how to spell it). Only those mennonites would understand.
I think I have more of the old school music on my phone, than the new stuff, just because there are SOOOO many great memories associated with it. It's the stuff I choose to listen to when I run, or the music I play when I'm kind of having a crappy day.
When I listen to it, I remember times, standing in the kitchen, and my brothers wanted to see if they were taller than my mom. She would be wearing her long robe, and slowly creep up onto her tippy toes, just so that she would be taller for just a little longer. It made us all laugh, although we all knew my brothers had finally reached that point. I guess I have that to look forward to, considering my husband is over 6ft, and I'm a whopping 5'1". (The 1" is incredible important to state). My younger cousin has already started it with me. And sad to say, I still deny that he is basically the same height as me. haha.
It reminds me of days, when we used to play british bull dog in our back yard with the neighbor kids, or playing basket ball with the hoop we had in the back yard. Mind you, this also reminds me why my brother has a big chip in his front teeth, but still, great memories.
I played street hockey with my brothers once or twice, and to this day, I am very proud that I saved more shots than let in being goalie and all. That's right, hockey star right here! haha.
It makes me so happy!!!! Now, I probably just get looked at like I was crazy for liking music like this, but who cares! Everyone has music like that, at least I think so.
So if you ever get the chance, listen to a little "Reality", "Joy", "Spirit Thing", "Real Good thing", "Shine", "I'm Not Ashamed", "Take me to your leader", "Something Beatiful", and the list goes on forever. All these songs sung by the Newsboys, incase you're wondering. If you're like me at all, it will put a smile on your face.
Wednesday, 11 July 2012
That valley.....
When I was just a little kid, my mother would make us memorize verses. I don't mean two, three, or even five verses, I'm talking about chapters. Every Christmas, my brothers and I would stand up infront of our family and resite the whole Christmas Story. It was not necessarily the same verses every year either. I would sit on the counter as my mom would make dinner or bake buns, and I would memorize my verses. It wasn't just for Christmas, but sunday school verses as well.
We would get prizes for memorizing our sunday school verses, but this one time, it wasn't enough to memorize the designated verse, my mom made me memorized the chapter.... again. A very popular Psalm, one that I have never forgotten.
Psalm 23:
"The Lord is my shephard, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
For You are with me.
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows.
Surely, Goodness and Mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
Oh that valley....... I walk through that valley, and yet I still shall not want?
I was told the other day, that I'm too positive. I had to laugh. One of my best friends, whom I have known since grade 5, and myself, used to say "Life sucks, then you die....". To a certian extent, I think this is true. Life is out of our control. You can do all the planning you want, and it will go right down the toilet the next day. Life is full of sickness, heart ache, bad weather and of course way too good weather (apparently when people ask for sunshine, they have a temperature limit), broken down cars, rush hour, loss of jobs, etc. The list goes on forever. Someone I know always seems to have something going wrong, but guess what, THAT IS LIFE!
Thank the Lord I don't live for this big round ball of disappointment. "I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from?" (Psalm 121:1)
My "Positivity" comes from the knowledge that this "life"... isn't it. One day I will kneel before the Lord, and know I will never walk this Valley again. "And I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever."
Below is a song by Jeremy Camp, that I find encouraging.
http://youtu.be/HUzDOGzABSM
We would get prizes for memorizing our sunday school verses, but this one time, it wasn't enough to memorize the designated verse, my mom made me memorized the chapter.... again. A very popular Psalm, one that I have never forgotten.
Psalm 23:
"The Lord is my shephard, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
For You are with me.
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows.
Surely, Goodness and Mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
Oh that valley....... I walk through that valley, and yet I still shall not want?
I was told the other day, that I'm too positive. I had to laugh. One of my best friends, whom I have known since grade 5, and myself, used to say "Life sucks, then you die....". To a certian extent, I think this is true. Life is out of our control. You can do all the planning you want, and it will go right down the toilet the next day. Life is full of sickness, heart ache, bad weather and of course way too good weather (apparently when people ask for sunshine, they have a temperature limit), broken down cars, rush hour, loss of jobs, etc. The list goes on forever. Someone I know always seems to have something going wrong, but guess what, THAT IS LIFE!
Thank the Lord I don't live for this big round ball of disappointment. "I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from?" (Psalm 121:1)
My "Positivity" comes from the knowledge that this "life"... isn't it. One day I will kneel before the Lord, and know I will never walk this Valley again. "And I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever."
Below is a song by Jeremy Camp, that I find encouraging.
http://youtu.be/HUzDOGzABSM
Friday, 15 June 2012
faith like a child
You know, Sometimes I think my heart will burst with so much love for my nieces and nephews. I feel like the Grinch finding christmas every time I get to play with them; my heart grows and breaks the x-ray machine. haha. I love them so much! Every day I see the hand of God in these kids, and not only them, but their parents as well. I think when you have children, God makes you excersize every fruit of the spirit, probably three times over, per day!!!
I never thought there was much you could learn from a two year old, but then God has many teaching methods up his sleeve. Some more enjoyable than others.
One thing God has taught me through the eyes of a child, is to be in constant prayer. And it doesn't matter what you want to pray about, just pray. My little Niece, would stop in the middle of what she was doing, and thank God for mommy, daddy, jack (her teddy bear), uncles and aunts, and whatever toys she loved so much. Not to mention winnie the pooh. When do I ever stop what I'm doing in the middle of the day to say thank you for the MANY blessing I have. Faith like a child. No conditional prayers, no nagging requests, just Praise.
   |
| Madeline last summer! This day was probably the best memory I have of spending time with my dad, Linda, Frank, and Madeline. |
 |
| Winnie the Pooh got stuck a lot this weekend! |
 |
| Lily!!! |
 |
| Quality time at Opa's watching Hockey. |
 |
| Lincoln!!! Our newest member |
 |
| Wonderful visits at the office! Can't get much cuter! |
So here is to an enjoyable lesson to learn from some of the biggest joys in my life. My joy comes from the Lord, the giver of ALL things,Who is like Him!
Thursday, 31 May 2012
coffee with someone special....
Hey!
It's been too long since we last talked. I saw a text on my phone from you, and thought it was about time. Ya, it was the one you sent when you were sick. I can't seem to bring myself to delete it. It means too much to me.
I've been thinking a lot about you lately. I miss seeing you around. Lots has changed around here. We have a new baby girl!!! Lily Reese. You would love her!! She is just too cute!! And there's another one due to come any day!!! I can't express how much I love being a aunt. You were so great with Madeline, I'm sure you would love to spend time with Lily too. Maddie still remembers you when she's see a picture at my house. Sometimes it makes me cry.
Our house has changed a lot since you last saw it. Dad has been coming over and ripping walls out, and fireplaces. We've painted quite a bit, and I'm SEWING!!! Do you remember you taught me how to sew properly. The other day I was sewing throw pillows for our living room, and I couldn't remember how you taught me to do the zipper. I was so frustrated I couldn't call you, I just gave in and cried. I got over it, like usual, and conquered the zipper. I thought you'd be proud. You also taught me how to hem my own jeans. It sure has come in handy considering no pants are the right length on me. haha. Frank asked me yesterday what I'm going to do once I'm done all the pillows, I said I would just start sewing drapes. You taught me how to do that too!!! I'd like you to see the place, I could use your opinion on things.
Frank's mom is coming here soon. She'll be staying with us for a month. I'm so excited to see her again. Remember the last time she was here, we took her and Frank's sister shopping for dresses for my wedding?! I was so thankful to have you around for that! You have definitely blessed my life.
The other day I was baking buns, and I remembered the time we tried making fleish persky. The first couple turned out like huge loaves of bread stuffed with beef. LOL! I haven't attempted them since you've been gone, but maybe one day soon I will. The last time I tried them I broke down in tears on the kitchen floor. Frank came and gave me a hug, and sat with me for a bit. He's the best!
You remember my friend Carrie, she had another baby; a little girl!!! She is just adorable!! Sometimes I can't believe how time flies. You probably know that better than I do.
Frank and I celebrated two years of marriage in April!! Can you believe it?? It's true what they say, marriage is a lot of work, but boy is it worth it!!! I love him sooooo much!! You were always so good to him. We loved hanging out with you and dad. Frank's been working hard outside on the house. Plus he's got a project car, so there is plenty to keep him busy.
Life seems to be a whirlwind right now. The weeks just seem to be going by so fast. I can't believe it's been 6 months.
I hope you realize how much you mean to me. I wouldn't be where I am today without you in my life. Without knowing it, God answered all my prayers. Too bad I didn't realize it until after you were gone. But you know what they say, No point in crying over spilt milk. But I still do.
You know,..... you taught me what rejoicing in suffering really looks like. I guess I was too young to understand it 13 years ago, but with you,....... I finally understand "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philipians 4:7. He sure is gaurding my heart and mind! Honestly, I'm struggling. Sometimes I think to myself, Get over it! It's easier if you just forget and move forward!! The problem is, you are too memorable.
Guess what?! Jeff and Jodi are coming up to the cabin in August. So excited. Last year was so great, this year will be just as good!!!
Well it was good catching up!! My coffee's cold, and I have lost track of time. Work is calling my name, although today I can't seem to focus. You just seem to be on mind.
Love you!!! Hope to see you again soon Linda.
stephanie.
It's been too long since we last talked. I saw a text on my phone from you, and thought it was about time. Ya, it was the one you sent when you were sick. I can't seem to bring myself to delete it. It means too much to me.
I've been thinking a lot about you lately. I miss seeing you around. Lots has changed around here. We have a new baby girl!!! Lily Reese. You would love her!! She is just too cute!! And there's another one due to come any day!!! I can't express how much I love being a aunt. You were so great with Madeline, I'm sure you would love to spend time with Lily too. Maddie still remembers you when she's see a picture at my house. Sometimes it makes me cry.
Our house has changed a lot since you last saw it. Dad has been coming over and ripping walls out, and fireplaces. We've painted quite a bit, and I'm SEWING!!! Do you remember you taught me how to sew properly. The other day I was sewing throw pillows for our living room, and I couldn't remember how you taught me to do the zipper. I was so frustrated I couldn't call you, I just gave in and cried. I got over it, like usual, and conquered the zipper. I thought you'd be proud. You also taught me how to hem my own jeans. It sure has come in handy considering no pants are the right length on me. haha. Frank asked me yesterday what I'm going to do once I'm done all the pillows, I said I would just start sewing drapes. You taught me how to do that too!!! I'd like you to see the place, I could use your opinion on things.
Frank's mom is coming here soon. She'll be staying with us for a month. I'm so excited to see her again. Remember the last time she was here, we took her and Frank's sister shopping for dresses for my wedding?! I was so thankful to have you around for that! You have definitely blessed my life.
The other day I was baking buns, and I remembered the time we tried making fleish persky. The first couple turned out like huge loaves of bread stuffed with beef. LOL! I haven't attempted them since you've been gone, but maybe one day soon I will. The last time I tried them I broke down in tears on the kitchen floor. Frank came and gave me a hug, and sat with me for a bit. He's the best!
You remember my friend Carrie, she had another baby; a little girl!!! She is just adorable!! Sometimes I can't believe how time flies. You probably know that better than I do.
Frank and I celebrated two years of marriage in April!! Can you believe it?? It's true what they say, marriage is a lot of work, but boy is it worth it!!! I love him sooooo much!! You were always so good to him. We loved hanging out with you and dad. Frank's been working hard outside on the house. Plus he's got a project car, so there is plenty to keep him busy.
Life seems to be a whirlwind right now. The weeks just seem to be going by so fast. I can't believe it's been 6 months.
I hope you realize how much you mean to me. I wouldn't be where I am today without you in my life. Without knowing it, God answered all my prayers. Too bad I didn't realize it until after you were gone. But you know what they say, No point in crying over spilt milk. But I still do.
You know,..... you taught me what rejoicing in suffering really looks like. I guess I was too young to understand it 13 years ago, but with you,....... I finally understand "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philipians 4:7. He sure is gaurding my heart and mind! Honestly, I'm struggling. Sometimes I think to myself, Get over it! It's easier if you just forget and move forward!! The problem is, you are too memorable.
Guess what?! Jeff and Jodi are coming up to the cabin in August. So excited. Last year was so great, this year will be just as good!!!
Well it was good catching up!! My coffee's cold, and I have lost track of time. Work is calling my name, although today I can't seem to focus. You just seem to be on mind.
Love you!!! Hope to see you again soon Linda.
stephanie.
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
A relatable God
When going through life, there are times (like the present) where I tend to think, "How can you, Almight God, allow something like this to happen to me." Especially considering He is the one pulling the strings, and from my perspective, it's easy to be the one pulling the strings, if you don't have to actually go through it. But this is bad logic......
Christ is probably the one person who can relate to me the best. As far as my life is concerned..... Christ went through the same situations.
For instance, some things I have not enjoyed about my life.....
- My mom dying
- Being bullied in school
- Being made fun of
- The loss of friends due to bad situations
- the difficulty of walking the path God has laid out for you.
There are so many more but lets just focus on these for now. Christs' life on earth included these things.
Going in order:
- Jesus' friend Lazarus died. In the bible it talks about Jesus spending time with him and his sisters, and how he was saddened by his death.
- Throughout his whole life, Christ was under constant pressure. I consider being pushed into a garbage can bad, but Jesus was brutally beaten, spat on, and every move was being watched. He was constantly under suspicion, and many, even his own people, hated him.
- Jesus was mocked. That is very clear. As Jesus went to be crucified, and had a crown of thorns placed on his head, they mocked his very claim of being the Son of God.
-Christ's own Friend Judas, betrayed him, for a small amount of money. After everything they had been through together, and the many miracles he witnessed Christ perform, he still traded him in. How extremely depressing is that!!! For someone who followed the son of God around for years, witnessed his life, he was drawn earthly things, and the desire for money.
- Lastly, Christ knew how hard it is to walk the path laid out for you by God. Before He was betrayed, Christ prayed, if there was a way for God to take this cup from him, but he accepted God's will, and walked that path. With amazing Grace I might add. I'm not very graceful when I suffer!
Not only did Christ go through all of these things in his life, but He did it for ME! I don't know about you, but I would not be very willing to go through all of that crap, for people who hated me..... but Christ did! That is what is so unbelievable.
So here is to a God that understands me, and KNOWS (100%)...... I can make it through.
Christ is probably the one person who can relate to me the best. As far as my life is concerned..... Christ went through the same situations.
For instance, some things I have not enjoyed about my life.....
- My mom dying
- Being bullied in school
- Being made fun of
- The loss of friends due to bad situations
- the difficulty of walking the path God has laid out for you.
There are so many more but lets just focus on these for now. Christs' life on earth included these things.
Going in order:
- Jesus' friend Lazarus died. In the bible it talks about Jesus spending time with him and his sisters, and how he was saddened by his death.
- Throughout his whole life, Christ was under constant pressure. I consider being pushed into a garbage can bad, but Jesus was brutally beaten, spat on, and every move was being watched. He was constantly under suspicion, and many, even his own people, hated him.
- Jesus was mocked. That is very clear. As Jesus went to be crucified, and had a crown of thorns placed on his head, they mocked his very claim of being the Son of God.
-Christ's own Friend Judas, betrayed him, for a small amount of money. After everything they had been through together, and the many miracles he witnessed Christ perform, he still traded him in. How extremely depressing is that!!! For someone who followed the son of God around for years, witnessed his life, he was drawn earthly things, and the desire for money.
- Lastly, Christ knew how hard it is to walk the path laid out for you by God. Before He was betrayed, Christ prayed, if there was a way for God to take this cup from him, but he accepted God's will, and walked that path. With amazing Grace I might add. I'm not very graceful when I suffer!
Not only did Christ go through all of these things in his life, but He did it for ME! I don't know about you, but I would not be very willing to go through all of that crap, for people who hated me..... but Christ did! That is what is so unbelievable.
So here is to a God that understands me, and KNOWS (100%)...... I can make it through.
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
A walk down memory lane.....
Lately I've been thinking about what God is putting on my heart, .... and honestly the only thing that comes to mind are memories. Most of which, I don't talk much about.... so I guess I will share a few with you.
We found out my mom had cancer, when I was in grade 4. I was 9 years old at the time. My brother's and I were sitting and waiting for my parents to pick us up from school. When they finally showed up, I remember getting into the car, and my mom was crying. It was then that they told us about the cancer. I remember crying, but I don't think I really grasped what was happening.
When my mom was going through Chemo, she was extremely sick. I remember her coming home after one surgery, and she was wearing these new silk pajama's, and her sisters were there. I remember her laughing, and trying to tell everyone not to make her laugh, as it hurt so much. I remember exactly where she was sitting, and I thought she looked so beautiful.
One day, my mom was feeling really sick, and she was laying on the couch in our family room. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and I said I was just going next door to see if my friend was home. I came back 30 mins later, and I remember my brother telling me, my dad took her to the hospital. My heart sunk just a little more.
Another memory I have, I was playing piano one day; practicing.... (forced to practice) and I was crying. I didn't realize my mom had seen me until that night, when she came to pray with me before bed, and she asked me about it. My response..... I didn't want her to die. You know what my mom's response was? "Don't worry, God is in control, and everything will be ok." I blamed God for this memory, because everything did not end up ok..... or should I say.... what I thought would be ok.
The last couple months of my mom's life, she lived at the hospital, and so did my dad. We would go visit them after school, and I remember singing to my mom, holding her hand, and praying for her. I remember her not being able to talk, and the only one that could understand her, was my dad. I remember how much she slept.
I remember the night she died like it was yesterday, but now yesterday seems to bring other memories......
I remember the day my dad told me he had a date....... I had just flown home from china, and he seemed almost nervous to tell me. I remember him telling me how fit Linda was and fashionable, and I can remember being stubborn-headed and saying to my dad, that I would not get along with her.
I had a connection with her the first time I met her.
I remember leaving for Austrailia, and my dad showing me the engagement ring. And I definitely remember the conversation I had with them, when I called home to find out they were engaged. I flew home on the two week break, a couple days later, I flew to manitoba for the wedding. A couple days after the wedding I flew back to BC, to get on a flight back to Australia a few days after that. The drive to the airport was not a good one, as Linda and I were heading to the shop to pick up my dad when I got a call from my brother telling me, my dog had been hit by a car. Linda gave me a hug at the airport, and told me she was sorry I had to leave like this.
I remember a lot of things about Linda, all are great things. But the one I can not get out of my mind... was the last day she was a live.....
We had just been told that Linda was only given a few more days to live, so our whole family went over to the hospital. At this point in time, she was already in ICU. There was so much going on, but the only thing I remember crystal clear.... I got right up close to her bed, she looked at me, took my face between her hands and she said this; "Oh Stevi, just when we really started to connect. I want you to know that I love you, and consider you my daughter." That was the first and last time, I intentionally called her "mom." I regret that I didn't call her mom a lot sooner.
I told myself, that was the last time I would ever allow my fear of what other people would think, to influence me. And I guess that is why I decided to write this blog. I'm not a very outspoken person, most of the time. I tend to keep my opinions to myself (mind you, I vent when I'm home alone with my husband), and try not to make waves. But I honestly think my fear has hindered me more, than the waves that I might have caused.
Many people have told me that Linda knew how I felt, or what I believed, but you know what my biggest fear is in life?....... That something might happen to myself or a family member, and they don't know that I love them.
If I can give anyone one piece of advise, I would say to them, Make sure the people you love, actually knows it, because you don't know what tomorrow brings. I love my family more than some can comprehend, and sometimes I not good at showing it, but I also know that there is one who has provided me with this family, and I will praise God for every day, and opportuntiy that I get to spend with them. (Even if they drive me crazy at times).
Because if I know anything in life........ Life is too short for "Not enough time."
You know..... I have one other memory of both of them,...... when they were in the hospital..... they both had their bibles either in their hands, or right beside them. Now those are both mom's that I hope I will be like, one day.
We found out my mom had cancer, when I was in grade 4. I was 9 years old at the time. My brother's and I were sitting and waiting for my parents to pick us up from school. When they finally showed up, I remember getting into the car, and my mom was crying. It was then that they told us about the cancer. I remember crying, but I don't think I really grasped what was happening.
When my mom was going through Chemo, she was extremely sick. I remember her coming home after one surgery, and she was wearing these new silk pajama's, and her sisters were there. I remember her laughing, and trying to tell everyone not to make her laugh, as it hurt so much. I remember exactly where she was sitting, and I thought she looked so beautiful.
One day, my mom was feeling really sick, and she was laying on the couch in our family room. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and I said I was just going next door to see if my friend was home. I came back 30 mins later, and I remember my brother telling me, my dad took her to the hospital. My heart sunk just a little more.
Another memory I have, I was playing piano one day; practicing.... (forced to practice) and I was crying. I didn't realize my mom had seen me until that night, when she came to pray with me before bed, and she asked me about it. My response..... I didn't want her to die. You know what my mom's response was? "Don't worry, God is in control, and everything will be ok." I blamed God for this memory, because everything did not end up ok..... or should I say.... what I thought would be ok.
The last couple months of my mom's life, she lived at the hospital, and so did my dad. We would go visit them after school, and I remember singing to my mom, holding her hand, and praying for her. I remember her not being able to talk, and the only one that could understand her, was my dad. I remember how much she slept.
I remember the night she died like it was yesterday, but now yesterday seems to bring other memories......
I remember the day my dad told me he had a date....... I had just flown home from china, and he seemed almost nervous to tell me. I remember him telling me how fit Linda was and fashionable, and I can remember being stubborn-headed and saying to my dad, that I would not get along with her.
I had a connection with her the first time I met her.
I remember leaving for Austrailia, and my dad showing me the engagement ring. And I definitely remember the conversation I had with them, when I called home to find out they were engaged. I flew home on the two week break, a couple days later, I flew to manitoba for the wedding. A couple days after the wedding I flew back to BC, to get on a flight back to Australia a few days after that. The drive to the airport was not a good one, as Linda and I were heading to the shop to pick up my dad when I got a call from my brother telling me, my dog had been hit by a car. Linda gave me a hug at the airport, and told me she was sorry I had to leave like this.
I remember a lot of things about Linda, all are great things. But the one I can not get out of my mind... was the last day she was a live.....
We had just been told that Linda was only given a few more days to live, so our whole family went over to the hospital. At this point in time, she was already in ICU. There was so much going on, but the only thing I remember crystal clear.... I got right up close to her bed, she looked at me, took my face between her hands and she said this; "Oh Stevi, just when we really started to connect. I want you to know that I love you, and consider you my daughter." That was the first and last time, I intentionally called her "mom." I regret that I didn't call her mom a lot sooner.
I told myself, that was the last time I would ever allow my fear of what other people would think, to influence me. And I guess that is why I decided to write this blog. I'm not a very outspoken person, most of the time. I tend to keep my opinions to myself (mind you, I vent when I'm home alone with my husband), and try not to make waves. But I honestly think my fear has hindered me more, than the waves that I might have caused.
Many people have told me that Linda knew how I felt, or what I believed, but you know what my biggest fear is in life?....... That something might happen to myself or a family member, and they don't know that I love them.
If I can give anyone one piece of advise, I would say to them, Make sure the people you love, actually knows it, because you don't know what tomorrow brings. I love my family more than some can comprehend, and sometimes I not good at showing it, but I also know that there is one who has provided me with this family, and I will praise God for every day, and opportuntiy that I get to spend with them. (Even if they drive me crazy at times).
Because if I know anything in life........ Life is too short for "Not enough time."
You know..... I have one other memory of both of them,...... when they were in the hospital..... they both had their bibles either in their hands, or right beside them. Now those are both mom's that I hope I will be like, one day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)