comfort zone

My comfort zone: Home. That's it. No exceptions. Home.

I have started to notice my comfort zone getting smaller and smaller over the past year. I have never really been a social butterfly, and have always been very self conscious, but this last year, the shadow of anxiety has been growing. The Point of no return, I always fear, is around the next corner.

I can't pinpoint a cause for this growing anxiety, but yet it weighs me down.

Everyone gets a little anxious meeting new people, going new places,... just simply exploring new territory, but for me... it goes beyond that.

My husband loves to go see movies in the theatre, especially on cheap nights! And I love it too.... but lately, a last minute "Hey lets go see a movie!", puts butterflies in my stomach. I put off calling people
(even family) because I don't know what to say, or they might ask me something, and I might not know how to answer. I choose texting over calling, not for convienence, but only so I don't need to have a conversation; creating a possibility for me to put my foot in my mouth. The thought of speaking up in a group (and I mean three, or more people) makes me want to throw up. I have made some awesome friends over the past 2 years, and would love to hang out, go shopping, grab a cup of coffee with them, but when it comes to picking up the phone and following through, I snuff that idea right out.

 Even to simply hang out with my best friend, whom I have known my entire life, and love to pieces; causes the butterflies to start fluttering.

WHY?!?

I don't know.

BUT!!!!!.....

Over this past year, God has been tugging on my heart strings, for a specific ministry. Hahaha, but first let me go back a few years.......

Capernwray Australia. The best 6 months of my life. Probably some of the hardest months too, but I remember them fondly. We spent a few hours in class every day, listening to speakers, taking notes, making presentations, and spending time in worship. The best week of my time in Australia was "Prac Week". We spent our time feeding and conversing with homeless people, singing for the elderly, and spending time with drug addicts. This was out of my comfort zone for sure! But this was not a problem for me.........

At orientation day for bible school, I found out, that over the 6 months I would have to lead several bible studies. HECK NO! Not this chick. God do you know me at ALL??? Needless to say, this activity was not an "option". I looked back over my binder the other day, and I believe I was required to do 5 bible studies in total. These were based on speakers we had, and we needed to use the resources in the library. The library was also the only place I could get an internet connection...... a welcomed distraction, but not a helpful one.

I failed my first three bible studies..... haha. When it comes to my work, things I will put my name on, invest time in.... I'm a bit of a perfectionist. This, however.... did not bother me. I barely passed my fourth study, and when presented with the topic of suffering for my fifth study, I received an A+. Although, I swore to myself and my family group leaders (who I had to present the bible studies too) I would NEVER use this skill again.

Oh to know the plans God had for me......

Two years ago, my husband and I joined a pastorate group through our church. I thought it would be a great way for both of us to meet people, and fellowship with other believers. To be challenged in our faith. God has blessed us immensly with such an amazing group of people. Both of us felt comfortable the first couple of times we went. My husband went from having my family, and a few relatives, to a great group of guys who he loves to call up and spend time with. I find joy in spending time with these people, and pray for them constantly.

Over this last year, our leaders have been openly inviting others in the group to help lead the studies, and take part in different aspects of the group. The first time.... God tugged.

I ignored.

The second time..... God tugged again...

I ignored again.....

I continued to ignore for the remainder of the year. Like I had said before.... I would NEVER lead another bible study again. ;)

And then, one day..... at the end of the bible study season...... I received a phone call at work. My friend Amber. I smile when I think about that day. She announced to me, that both Her and her husband, along with the other two leaders Colin and Colleen, would not be leading, or even attending the pastorate next year. ...... Oh it doesn't end there.....

And they had thought of Myself and Frank, along with Another wonderful couple from the group, to lead.

"Oh by the way child..... that thing you continued to ignore before..... you know I knocked for a year..... Oh right..... HERE YA GO!"

Of all the things God has called me to do.... this was not high on my list! I told Amber I would have to talk to Frank about it and get back to her. (Secretly I was kind of hoping he wouldn't been so keen about it). But I guess God had that one taken care of as well. My wonderful husband was beyond supportive.

No way out! (I thinks that a title to a movie too??)

So we said yes. Over this summer I have been trying to think of ideas, pray for wisdom, and to my surprise.... I have actually been pretty excited. Until september.....

The horror has struck..... the shadow of anxiety has enveloped me, and here I sit. I try to come up with excuses for why I can't take part, but the problem with the dang shadow is,..... there has to be a source of light in order for the shadow to exist.

So here I trust..... the light will shine on my face again. Not in my own power, can I conquer my fears and  anxieties, but only with the power of the one true light. In my weakness, He is stronger.

So I surrender to you Lord. May you expand my comfort zone, crush my anxiety, and use me in the way you choose. You are my Light and my Salvation.